Les Masserables
by jankmaster98
Summary: Les Miserables with Mass Effect characters and setting! What could possibly go wrong? First chapter is cast, am open to new suggestions.
1. Foreword and Castlist

Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or Les Miserables which belong to Bioware and I think Victor Hugo respectively. This extremely bad parody is for entertainment purposes

Summary: Our favorite Mass Effect characters as Victor Hugo's chew toys and the subjects of countless theater productions! Read if you're weird like me and like both of these pieces of art.

Les Masserables  
Cast List

John Shepard as Jean Valjean  
Saren as Inspector Javert  
Admiral Hackett as the Bishop of Digne  
Benezia as Fantine  
Ambassador Udina as Thènardier  
Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani as Madame Thènardier  
Ashley Williams as Eponine  
Liara T'soni as Cossete  
Kaidan Alenko as Marius Pontmercy  
Garrus Vakaraian as Enjoras  
And Legion as Gavroche

This is mainly based on the musicical/movie version so expect horrible atempets at song writing.

A/N Whoops looks like I published an older version of this where I listed Jack as Cossete. Fixed now, but I will change it back if I get enough feedback.


	2. Purgatory

First real chapter! For future reference anything spoken with be bolded and lyrics will be italicized.

2172: Even after countless years of oppression and general dickery the Council still controls most of the Galaxy.

Purgatory: Home to the refuse of Citadel society; those considered "criminals" and "enemies" of the Council. Prisoners drill and pull as they try to mine for Element Zero on a nearby asteroid. Here John Shepard serves time for stealing a loaf of bread.

Shepard: _Look down! Look down! Don't look em in the eye!_

Prisoners_: Look Down! You're here until you die!_

Wreav_: This place, is crap, and no ryncol here below._

Prisoners_: Look down, look down, there's 20 years to go._

Veetor_: I've do__ne no wrong, Ancestors hear my prayers!_

Prisoners_: Look down! Look down! No ancestors are here!_

Balak_: When I get free, you won't see me, hear for dust!_

Prisoners_:Look down, look down, don't look em in the eye!_

Zymandis_: How long Enkindlers before you let this one die?_

Saren_: Now bring up, prisoner N7601, your time is up and your paroles begun. You know what that means._

Shepard_: Yes! It means I'm free!_

Saren_: No! It means you get your yellow ticket of leave!_  
_You are a thief!_

Shepard_: I stole a loaf bread._

Saren_: You robbed a pre-fab._

Shepard_: I broke a window pane. My gang was close to death! We were starving!_

Saren_: You will starve again. Unless you learn the meaning of the law!_

Shepard_: I know the meaning of those 19 years a slave... Of the Law._

Saren_: 5 years for what you did, the rest because you tried to run. Yes N7601..._

Shepard_: My name is John Shepjohn!_

Saren_: And I'm Saren. Do not forget my name. Do not forget me N7601._


	3. The Good Bishop

Chapter 2: The Admir- I mean Bishop of Haestrom

Shepjohn left the asteroid and wandered place to place looking for work, all while constantly reporting to the security offices along to way in accordance with his papers.

Officer Chellick: **John Shepjohn, as a dangerous felon you will be on parole forever. Report to Freedom's Progress in 30 days. Failure to report means immediate arrest.**

Denied shelter and food at the inns and taverns Shepjohn wanders to the church as a last place of refuge.

Admiral Hackett: _Come in, sir, for you are the night is cold out there. Though our lives are very humble, what we have we to share._

The good bishop led Shepjohn into the and into the food hall prepared with silver plates.

Admiral Hackett: _There is wine here to revive you. There is bread to make you strong. There's a bed to rest till morning- rest from pain and rest from wrong._  
**Bless the food we eat today. Bless our dear sister. And our honored guest!**

In the dead of night Shepjohn kept awake by the memory silver and the comfort of the bed steals the bishops silverware and runs off into the night bit is stopped along the way.

Pallin**: Now where would you be going with that, and how did you acquire such fine silverware?**

Shepard**: It was a gift from the bishop...**

Pallin**: You don't have enough intimidate points for that lie- guards size him!**

The following day...

Pallin: **Monsignor! We have your silver, we caught this human red-handed. He had the nerve to say you gave him it.**

Admiral Hackett: **That is right.** _But my friend you left so early! Surely something slipped your mind. You forgot I gave these also, would you leave the best behind?_

To the shock of everyone in the room the bishop takes the two priceless silver candle sticks and hands them to Shepjohn.

Admiral Hackett: **Sirs, release him. This man has spoken true.** _I commend you for your duty and God's blessing go with you._

Admiral Hackett: _But remember this my brother. See in this some higher plan- you must this precious silver to become an honest man. By the witness of the martyrs, by the passion and the blood, God has raised you out of darkness. I have bought your soul for God._

Shortly afterwards our hero finds himself in another wing of the church trying to reflect on what has happened.

Shepard: _What have I done? Sweet Jesus what have I done?  
Become a thief? In the night become a dog on the run?  
Have I fallen so far and is the hour so late, that nothing remains but the cries of my hate! The cries in the dark that nobody hears? Here that I stand at the turning of the years!_

_If there's another way to go I missed it 20 long years ago  
My life was a war that could never be won  
They gave me a number and they murdered Shepjohn, when they chained me and left my for dead!  
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread!_

_Yet why did I allow that man_  
_To touch my soul and teach me love?  
He treated me like any other- he gave me his trust, he called me brother.  
My life he claimed for God above.  
Can such things be?  
For had grown to hate the world. This world that always hated me!_

_Take an eye for a eye!  
Turn your heart in stone!  
This is all I have lived for!  
This is all I have known!_

_One word from him and I'd be back.  
Back in a cage, back in cryo.  
Instead he offers me my freedom.  
I feel my shame inside me like an omni-blade.  
He told me that I had a soul!  
How does he know?  
What spirt comes to move my life?  
Is there another way to go?_

_I am reaching but I fall.  
And the night is closing in.  
As I stand into the void.  
Into the whirlpool of my renegade meter.  
I'll escape now from that world from the world of John Shepjohn  
John Shepjohn is nothing now!  
Another story must begin!_

Shepjohn tears up his papers and yellow ticket and throws the remains to the wind.

End of the second true chapter! Read and review please! I need the input!


	4. End of the Day

Chapter 3 Broken Dreams and Relentless Pursuit  
Well my longest chapter yet. Thank you everyone for reviewing and reading it makes my day!  
2174 The Planet Omega  
The space station Omega still filled with poor disparaged people even after receiving new management stirs with unrest.

Poor Homeless: _At the end of the day you're another day older.  
And that's all you you can say for the life of the poor.  
It's a struggle it's a war and there nothing that anyone's giving,  
All the day standing about what is it for?  
One day less to be living._

_At the end of the day you're another day colder  
And the enviro-suit on your back doesn't keep out the chill  
And the merc lords hurry past  
They don't hear the little ones crying  
And the plague is coming on fast, ready to kill  
One day nearer to dying._

Mad Prophet: **Wait we're on a space station how can there be days?**

Poor Homeless: **Shut up this is Les Miserables!**  
_At the end of the day there's another day dawning  
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise  
Like the waves crash on the sand  
Like a storm that'll break any second  
There's a hunger in the land  
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and  
There's gonna be hell to pay  
At the end of the solar day!_

Mad Prophet: **You know that that's ridiculous right? We don't have a sun and we sure don't have seas and sand. I can't believe they call be the mad one!**

At the factory of Mr. Archangel...

Kai Leng: _At the end of the day you. Get nothing for nothing!  
Sitting flat in your bum doesn't buy any bread._

Lia'Vael: _There are children back at home._  
Shiala: _And the children have got to be fed._  
Diana Allers: _And you're lucky to be in a job._  
Kai Leng: _And in a bed..._  
Lia'Vael: _And we're counting our blessings!_  
Eva Corè: _Have you seen how the foreman is feeling today?  
With his terrible breath and his wandering hands_?  
Diana Allers: _It's because that asari Benezia won't give me his way._  
Shiala: _Take a look at his trousers you'll see how he stands!_  
Lia'Vael: _And the boss he never knows, that the foreman is always on heat._  
Eva Corè: _If Benezia doesn't look out watch as she goes!  
She'll be out on the street!_

Factory Workers: _At the end of the day it's another day over  
With enough in your pocket to last for a week  
Pay the landlord, pay the shop  
Keep on working as long as you're able  
Keep on working till you drop  
Or it's back to the crumbs off the table  
You've got to pay your way  
At the end of the solar day!_

Eva Corè:_ And what have innocent sister?  
Come on Benezia let's have all the news!  
"Dear Beneiza you must send us more credits your child needs medi-gel..  
There's no time to lose..._  
Benezia: _Give that letter to me it is none of your business!  
With a spouse at home and a bit on the side!  
Is there anyone here who can swear before the Goddess she has nothing to fear she has nothing to hide?_

In the midst of the struggle Mr. Archangel arrives  
Shepard: _Will someone tear these two apart  
What is this fighting all about?  
This is a factory, not an arena!  
Now, come on ladies, settle down  
I run a business of repute  
I am the governor of this station!_

As he looks up Mr. Archangel sees Saren in his office.  
Shepars: **Foreman, I look to you to sort this out be as patient as you can. **  
Kai Leng: _Now someone tell me how the hell this began!_  
Eva Corè: _At the end of the day  
She's the one who began it!  
There's a kid that she's hiding  
In some little colony  
There's a man she has to pay  
You can guess how she picks up the extra  
You can bet she's earning her keep  
Sleeping around  
And the boss wouldn't like it!_  
Benezia: _Yes it's true there's a child  
And the child is my daughter  
And her father abandoned us leaving us flat. Now she lives with an innkeeper man  
And his wife And I pay for the child  
What's the matter with that?_

Workers: _At the end of the day  
She'll be nothing but trouble  
And there's trouble for all  
When there's trouble for one!  
While we're earning our daily bread  
She's the one with her hands in the butter  
You must send the slut away  
Or we're all gonna end in the airlock  
And it's us who'll have to pay  
At the end of the solar day!_

Kai Leng: _I might have know the varren could bite.  
I might have know the pyjack had claws.  
I might have guessed your little secret. Oh yes the  
Virtuous Benezia who keeps herself so pure and clean.  
You'd be I had no doubt, of any trouble here about.  
You play a virgin in the light but need no urging in the night!  
Eva Corè: She's been laughing at you while she's having her men!  
Factory Workers: She'll be nothing but trouble again and again!  
Eva Corè: You must sack her today!  
Factory Workers: You must sack the girl today!  
At the end of the solar day!_

Kai Leng: **Well, on your way.**  
Benezia: **No please Mr. Archangel! Help me please I have a child!**  
Her screams go unheard as she is torn from the stairway and thrown out out he factory, a few coins tossed as the days wage.  
Meanwhile in the office...  
Saren: _Please know me as Saren.  
I'm here at your command  
With honor due to each and justice in our hands.  
Let all beware!_  
Shepard: _Welcome sir come guard our laws.  
I'm sure we're here in common cause._  
Saren: _You've done the city proud.  
You're praised by those on high.  
Your success has granted you a force-  
The best the Citadel can supply.  
Your people thrive!_  
Shepard: _The dignity of toil to stay alive_  
Saren: _It seems to me we may have met._  
Shepard: _Your face is not a face I would forget._  
Before the two can discus further a cry and a crash is heard and the two rush off.  
They find a krogan pinned under a skycar, its weight crushing him as a crowd gathers around him.  
Shepard goes in to raise the skycar using his strength, he lifts from the end tilted up by the krogan.  
Wrex: **Thanks man, tried to preform a krogan airdrop. As cyan see not everything went according to plan. Heh heh. **  
Shepard: **You're welcome, but try not to pull anything like that again on this station.**  
Wrex: **I guess I owe you one if you ever find yourself in a jam I'll have your back.**  
Shepard: **It's a rare thing to have a favor from a krogan battlemaster hope I won't have to use it.**  
Saren: _Can this be true? I don't believe what I see!  
A human your age to be a strong as you are,  
A memory stirs, you make me think of a man.  
From years ago, a man who broke his parole.  
He disappeared..._  
Shepard: _Say what you must, don't leave it there._  
Saren: _Forgive me sir I would not dare!_  
Shepard goes back to tend Wrex as Saren leaves to go file a report to the Citadel regarding the case of missing convict N7601.

End of chapter 3

A/N Wow that was a doozy. It feels like these chapters are getting longer and longer. Thank you to all my reviewers and all who have favorited or followed this story! Keep reading and reviewing!


	5. Dreaming of Afterlife

A/N: Sorry this comes so late. Broke an ankle, and stared work a serious KOTOR fic Legacy of the Knights. I invite anyone who is interested check it out. Anyway that's not where you're here you came for terrible name switching and help imagining Mass Effect character is Les Miserables.

Chapter 4 Dreaming of the Afterlife

Benezia made here way through the lower underbelly of Omega trying to find a place to sell some Prothean trinket she got from the consort.

Harrot: Barely Hiding Contempt: I will give you 1000 credits for the trinket.

Beneiza: What are you talking about its worth 5000! 1000 wouldn't pay for the chain!

Harrot: Barely Hidding Contempt: I have set my price if you don't like it get out.

Seeing she had no other choice Beneiza sold her trinket and made her way to the underside of Omega.

Making her way to Afterlife Benezia found herself among the lowlifes and "others".

Zaeed: _I smell women smell in the air! Think I'll pop me heat sink in that goddamn girly o over there. Lovely lady I'll love till I'm broke! Seven goddamn months at space can leave you hungry for a poke!_

Jacob: _Even stokers need a little stoke!_

Afterlife "Staff": _Lovely ladies waiting for a bite! Waiting for the customers that only come at night. Lovely ladies waiting for the call. Standing up or lying down or any way at all. Bargain prices up against the wall! Lovely ladies Waiting in the dark. Ready for a thick one Or a quick one in the park. Long time short time. Any time, my dear. Cost a little extra if you want to take all year! Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!_

Benezia was then approached by Aria owner of Afterlofe

Aria T'loak: **Hey you! You need work? I got an opening. One of my girls went off planet to join the Eclipse. It ain't honest, but its work.**

Seeing no other way to make credits Benezia took up the Pirate Queen's offer and became an "employee" of Afterlife.

Vorhess: _Give me the dirt who's that bit over there?_

Daro'Xen: _A bit of skirt she's one with some flair._

Nassana: _She's got a kid sends her all that she can. _

Vorhess: _I might have known there is always some man._

Nassana: **Actually asari can reproduce with women. Shows what you know.**

Vorhess: **Whatever the lyrics sound better like that.**

Daro'Xen_: Come on dearie, why all the fuss?You're no grander than the rest of us._

Nassana: _Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap Join your sisters, make money in your sleep!_

Aria T'loak: _That's right dearie, let him have the lot. That's right dearie, show him what you've got_!

Afterlife "Staff" _Old ones, young ones, take 'em as they come_

_Harbor rats and alley cats and any kind of scum_

_Poor ones, rich ones, leaders of the land_

_See them with their trousers off they're never quite as grand_

_All it takes is money in your hand!_

_Lovely ladies_

_Going for a song_

_Got a lot of callers_

_But they never stay for long_

Beneiza_: Come on, Captain_

_You can wear your shoes_

_Don't it make a change_

_To have a girl who can't refuse_

_Easy money_

_Lying on a bed_

_Just as well they never see_

_The hate that's in your head_

_Don't they know they're making love_

_To one already dead!_

The two conduct "business" and afterward Benezia finds herself in private Afterlife room alone.

Benezia_: There was a time when beings were kind_

_When their voices were soft_

_And their words inviting_

_There was a time when love was blind_

_And the world was a song_

_And the song was exciting_

_There was a time_

_Then it all went wrong_

_I dreamed a dream in times gone by_

_When hope was high_

_And life worth living_

_I dreamed that love would never die_

_I dreamed that the Goddess would be forgiving_

_Then I was young and unafraid_

_And dreams were made and used and wasted_

_There was no ransom to be paid_

_No song unsung_

_No wine untasted_

_But the varren come at night_

_With their voices soft as thunder_

_As they tear your hope apart_

_And they turn your dream to shame_

_She slept a summer by my side_

_She filled my days with endless wonder_

_She took my childhood in his stride_

_But he was gone when autumn came_

_And still I dream she'll come to me_

_That we'll live the years together_

_But there are dreams that cannot be_

_And there are storms we cannot weather_

_I had a dream my life would be_

_So much different from this hell I'm living_

_So different now from what it seemed_

_Now life has killed_

_The dream I dreamed!_

Later back on "duty" Benezia is approached by Patriarch

Patriarch: _Here's something new, I think I'll give it a try_.

_Come closer you, I like to see what I buy!_

_The usual price, for just one slice of your pie_

Benezia: _I don't want you, no no sir let me go!_

Patriarch: _Is this some trick I won't pay more?_

Benezia:_ No not at all._

Patriarch_: You've got some nerve, you little whore_

_You've got some gall._

As the krogan tried to advance on her Benezia used the last biotic energy she had to warp Patriarch.

Patriarch: _You'll pay for what you have done_

_This one will make you bleed, you'll see!_

_I guarantee, I'll make you suffer_

_For this disturbance of the peace_

_For this insult to life and property!_

Saren: _Quickly_ _tell me what's the story? Who saw what and why and where? Let him give a full description! Let him answer to Saren!_

Patriarch: _Saren would you believe it? I was drinking ryncol here. When this prostitute attacked me. You can see the fresh wounds near._

Saren: _She will answer for her actions when you make a full report. Rest assured good sir, she will answer to the court._

Benezia: _There's a child who sorely needs me! Please Saren she's but that high! Holy goddess is there no mercy? If I go to jail she'll die!_

Saren_:_ _I have heard such protestations every day for twenty years. Save your breath and save your tears. Honest work just reward that the way to please the Spirits._

Shepard: **Hold it I'm taking a Paragon interrupt here! **_A moment of your time Saren I do believe this woman's tale._

Saren: _But governor!_

Shepard: **Don't make me repeat myself the author is lazy.**

Saren: **common I have to say this like five more times. **

Shepard**: Hey you try typing this! **

Saren: **Fine**

Fantine: _How can this be?_

Shepard: _Where will she end? This child without a friend_?

_I've seen your face before_

_Show me some way to help you_

_How have you come to grief_

_In a place such as this?_

Benezia: _Governor, don't mock me now, I pray_

_It's hard enough I've lost my pride_

_You let your foreman send me away_

_Yes, you were there, and turned aside._

Shepard: _Is it true what I've done?_

Benezia: **Yeah you hired a real jerkass. You need to screen your mangers better. **

**Oh wait.**

_My daughter's close to dying, it there's a goddess above she'd let me die instead!_

Shepard: **Hey you didn't let me speak in between your lines!**

Benezia: **Again author laziness.**

Shepard: _In my god's name my task has just begun! I will see it done!_

A/N Sorry about the wait. I was more focused on Legacy of the Knights hopefully this shameless self-advertising here will draw some people. Laziness and breaking an ankle can make you forget about your less serious parody work. Hope it's not to big a disgrace to Les Mis and Mass Effect. Tell me what you think and read on!


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